Why Small Talk Matters
“Small Talk -> Crotch Splotch Continuum” Included!
As an immigrant kid, I thought of myself as shy. I loved playing football, and could get lairy if the mood fit. I was born in London, made my way to Essex via Nigeria, and frequented 12 different schools.
It’s no surprise that I found it hard to forge connections. Why bother when I wouldn’t be here in a year? No wonder I thought I wasn’t good with people. In my adult years, I’ve gathered enough evidence to refute this notion, but I digress.
How Learning Small Talk Changed How I Approach People
But one moment changed how I thought about creating connections, and it all started with a bit of small talk.
I was in my 3rd year of university. The 1st year went alright, but in my second year I absolutely bombed. Academically, socially and mentally, I was free falling.
But in that 3rd year, I came back from the summer holidays with a renewed motivation for life. I trained every day for 6 weeks to make the basketball team. I didn’t make the team in the end.
However, I was determined to make the best of my time there. A few weeks into that semester, I went to a party, and so did a girl I liked. I wasn’t going to talk to her at the party. Are you crazy?! I might have nodded my head slowly and surely in her general direction, but that was about it.
And then fortune struck. It’s the next evening, and she’s sat at a computer in the library. I’ve clocked that as soon as I walk through the revolving doors (circa ~7:13pm. I think).
My mind started to race. It’s always whirring in the background, but this time it kicked up into overthinking mode.
There was no way that I was going to talk to her….unless I had an excuse to open my mouth. Then I don’t have to be scared about being rejected.
“Hey, did you go to the party last night”.
And that was it. I was now a small talk expert. I spent the next 20 minutes talking to her about her course (something science-y I think) and then I said goodbye. Even just remembering it now, it was a wild ride!
I’m sorry, were you expecting my approach to more revolutionary?
Good small talk is just an excuse to make yourself safely vulnerable.
Can This Connection Withstand Anything More Than Small Talk?
Small talk is a bit like that first step on a frozen lake. If you haven’t come across this frozen lake, you have no idea if it can take your weight. There is no trust between you and the lake.
Small talk is a great way to test a nascent relationship to see if there are any commonalities. It’s like a stress test, checking for any possible connection points. You can pick up on subtle social cues, giving you the go ahead to dive deeper, or pick up on any red flags that force you to stop the conversation dead in its tracks.
In the same way you wouldn’t run across that frozen lake the first time you encounter it, you wouldn’t say I love you on a first date. Because the relationship isn’t ready to bear the weight of that sentiment.
Going back to the story above, it was all about giving me a legitimate reason to talk to this person, and to show that we were already connected in a small way, as quick as I possibly could.
And it worked this time. But even if it didn’t, it gave my overactive brain a reason to talk to them, and that was soothing enough.
Small Talk is Like an Empty Palm
In ancient times, the idea of small talk would have looked a bit different. People would have lived in small communities, with each person playing their role to ensure survival for all. You wouldn’t want any Wally or Ninny joining your group. They’d need to prove that the value they can provide outweighs the increased burden on resources.
If a newcomer was approaching your community, they’d approach slowly, with their hands visible. The more open the arms and hands are, the easier it is to see that they have no weapons, and that they mean you no harm.
It would be stupid to receive anyone who hasn’t tried to communicate, “I’m trustworthy”. And by making themselves vulnerable (because you could easily attack them first), the newcomer shows that they will not take advantage of your kindness.
Small talk is the conversational equivalent of slowly revealing your hands. It’s not just a social tool, but a clever way we’ve developed to ensure we approach connection in a safe and wholesome way. And this allows for trust to be built naturally.
The unnatural version of trust building is the over familiar handshake from a salesman. No-one wants to feel sold to.
It’s healthy to pace your speed of connection.
Someone Mentioned a Continuum…
Small talk is on a continuum. It’s not science, but this just helps my brain navigate a world catered to extroverts, and I hope it helps your grey matter too. Whenever I have to deal with squishy humans, concepts like this help me swim in the infinite, with a bit less stress.
So here is a diagram I drew earlier:
Small Talk → Personal Talk → Hug → Sex → Crotch. Spot. Splotchy?
I don’t think the continuum needs too much explanation. On the left side of the continuum are the least vulnerable methods of human connection, but also the least likely to create deep bonds with other humans. As we move to the right side, we expose our body or just our sense of selves more, and we create deeper bonds. We also generally establish things like small talk first before asking someone to check the splotch on our crotch.
There is a reason why we don’t tell everyone our secrets, or give everyone a hug. In my utopia, we’d probably be walking around feeling comfortable giving everyone we see a hug. But in the real world, you can’t trust everyone with your body, or with your genuine need for connection.
You could start with small talk about what music is popular. This can move to how all the best music happen to be when you were around the ages 8–20 years old, and never older (”what a coincidence, me too!”). This conversation swiftly moves onto Lizzo’s music, because your small talk partner loves Lizzo. And if you find your self talking about how Lizzo makes you feel (positively or negatively) you're starting to move to the right of the continuum. By the time you find yourself talking about body positivity and how celebrities can abuse their status, you’ll walk out of that conversation with a good idea of whether you want to pursue a connection with that person.
What about if I’m ….?
What about if I ….?
- am British.
- am an introvert.
- don’t like people.
Let's take those one at a time.
Introverted
- I’m talking introverts more than anyone else, because they are more likely to say they don’t like small talk. But just because you’re introverted doesn’t mean that you don’t want connection. It just means you gain energy from quieter pursuits, sometime by yourself. (By the way, anytime I test myself, I’m consistently 50:50 between extroverted and introverted!).
- But that’s not an excuse to never reach out to another human being. And the better you are at this initial dance, the better you can create genuine, deep connections that introverts crave.
British
- If you’re British, you’re probably already great at small talk. You just might need to learn how to ask your small talk companion something like, “What’s your favourite season?”.
- It’s a safe question, but invites deeper connection. It moves us into the Personal Talk section of our continuum.
Don’t like people:
- Your traumatised. And that’s OK.
- But we need people and we need connection. Our quality of life goes down without genuine connection.
- Now go get get some therapy.
OUTRO
Enjoy small talk. It’s how we create meaningful relationships.
Just be purposeful with it!
Let me know anything else you would add to my continuum, and where it would fit in!
